I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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