Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
