I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
