Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
