every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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