I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
