you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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