So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
