It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the day after is always just damage control
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
