Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
