ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
