No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
