mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
