My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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