Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
did i just pee glitter
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
