Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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