My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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