I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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