Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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