Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
