I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Even my vagina gasped.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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