my being single is dangerous.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
