can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
