do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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