If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
