I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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