Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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