I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
