I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I party with great urgency now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
