Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
