You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
