im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
