You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
