Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
