hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
