apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
