Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
