I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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