Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
