woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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