you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
