I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
