Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
