Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
