I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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