What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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