So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I am full of burrito and curiosity
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
