just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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