dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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