Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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