mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
