I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
