The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
