i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
